hi, it me

So this is pretty strange for me.  I would be lying if I told you I didn’t feel awkward, nervous, and embarrassed about this endeavor to share my life in a blog.  For one, I’ve always been private.  Not like psycopathically private, but I don’t like sharing my business with people I don’t know (lol, the irony that I’m now sharing it with the world is not lost on me).  Secondly, I’ve always thought people who have blogs are conceited; like, how presumptuous that you think I, or anyone else, would want to read about your life.  Clearly, however, my feelings have changed-but not because I think you should care about my life, or because my life is anything special.  Special to me of course, *sigh,* but there’s no expectation that any of you feel the same way.  I’m treating this like more of an experiment than anything else, a way to see how this works, what happens, and what we all get out of this-that’s the royal we, aka you guys and me, because we’re already inextricably linked if you’re reading this!

Bottom line is, I want to do this because I’ve recently found comfort in writing.  There’s a catharsis in it for me, one that I have only discovered in the last few months.  I think there’s something so healthy about any kind of self-expression that feels authentic to you, whether it’s writing, cooking, painting, sculpting, singing, whatever.  Power to you all.  Ironically, before writing, I turned to reading for comfort-do you see where this is going?  My whole life I’ve been reading: fiction, non-fiction, poems, short stories, anything I could get my hands on.  Recently, even blogs (see how it’s coming full circle?).  Eventually, though, I found myself yearning and pining for these lives that, it seemed to me, weren’t even real.  And I don’t mean that they don’t exist in reality, because they do.  But most of these are not realistic, even if they’re real.  Stay with me as I explain, friends:

Example 1: I LOVE Ree Drummond and for a long time I fantasized about giving up my life in the great CNY, leaving my family, all to copy her life and become a cattle rancher with my fiance and dogs.  Except I didn’t.  Because that’s CRAZY.  Do I envy her life?  Of course.  I mean, who wouldn’t want to get paid to do what they love and cook amazing recipes all day, while your kids frolic around, you can have 10 dogs, and your total babe of a husband pops in at lunch to have a hot meal and smooch you.  I’m sure that’s not her everyday, but still.  Also, hey, I can’t do that because I have a family I don’t want to leave, not enough money to buy a ranch (lol), I have responsibilities, and am not a famous rustic badass that can afford to do the things she can.  Lastly, as much as I love her down home, angelic vibes, that is NOT me.  I swear too much and I’m not nearly as endearing-and don’t make all my cake mixes from scratch, so there’s that.

Example 2:  I LOVE Jeannette Ogden and am a diehard #shutthekaleup fanatic.  But, spoiler alert guys: I don’t eat all organic, free range, health foods, and my pantry most certainly does NOT look like hers.  I don’t meal prep and have my shit together every week.  You would scream if you saw my kitchen counters cluttered with produce and baked goods, SO many appliances and, oops, dust sometimes.  My pre-baby body, while still relatively good, is still not as fab as her post-baby body.  I can’t work out everyday for hours because I have a job, don’t have time, and because, wait for it:  it’s not ALWAYS a priority.  Do I envy her life as an amazing baby mama, workout fiend, and healthy living crusader? YES!  But while she is sipping turmeric almond milk lattes post SoulCycle class, I’m going through the Dunkin drive through to get my whole milk pumpkin spice latte made with poison sugar chemical syrup because a. I love it b. I didn’t have time for breakfast and c. I can’t stand lattes with skim milk.

I want to make it clear that I am NOT in any way shape or form dissing these amazing women and their lives-I admire them in so many ways.  All I’m saying is that sometimes what I want looking at these blogs is something attainable, real, and a way to find comfort in knowing their struggles are mine.  Are there so many people who feel this way about Jeanette and Ree? Of course.  What I want to do, though, is to give you all an unabashed, unedited look into my REAL life.  Remember when I was talking about authentic self expression?  Well, shockingly, I think that means sharing and expressing only your authentic self.  That’s what I want to do.

Now, I’ve thought a lot about why anyone would want to read a blog about this “real” life of mine.  I’m not famous, I don’t have some special lifestyle people admire, and you will never find me posting pics of my body in a bikini to see my fit life in action.  But, here’s what I do have to offer: I’m doing this for myself and for you guys, and I want this to be a symbiotic relationship.  I want to express myself for me as much as I want to put myself out there for other, real women to relate to.  For you guys to relate to.  Or to not relate to, honestly.  I’m not motivated by anything other than expressing myself, and the hope that other people will find a realness in me that I sometimes find lacking in other blogs.  And, that if you do relate, my hope is that this will become a forum where we can all connect and communicate about anything and everything, big or small.

Bottom line, I think I’m living a life that a lot of you are living.  I eat healthy, I eat badly.  Sometimes I eat pizza and McDonald’s in the same day (OMG I’m a travesty, I know). I work out and I’m active but sometimes, hello, I’m lazy.  I will run, and box, and do yoga 5 days a week some weeks.  Some weeks I do literally nothing except walk my dogs once or twice.  You get the idea.  Basically, I promise  I won’t put some unedited or filtered version of my life, I will (try) not to only post about the good things-this will, in the words of my wise, beautiful, bestie, NOT simply be a highlight reel. What I will put is my REAL LIFE.  A life which, you might have guessed, is real, NOT simple.  Get it!?  If you can relate and enjoy, awesome.  If not, no big deal.



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